Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Take me for a comfy ride

Want to ride in a big, comfy car?
Take a seat in my Jaguar.
Want to go for a ride in a plane?
I’ll take you for a week in Spain.

Want to stay in a comfy hotel?
Four star? That’s what I like as well.
Sick and tired of public transport?
Want to go by taxi? Good thought.

Want to eat out? Enjoy wine?
Come with me, and let’s go dine.
But there’s one thing that I lack;
Sex, while lying on my back.

You’re a woman? Come astride,
Take me for a comfy ride!
Race, religion, age and beauty
Aren’t important, if you’re Cutie.

I’ll take you for a holiday,
Every fair expense I’ll pay.
And all I ask of you, simply said;
Take me for a comfy ride in bed.

(Neil's Note: The Rhymer isn't young. And for his sins, he has a well below average sex drive. But even he sometimes wants the right kind of female company. So, this).

Monday, 4 January 2016

On Nigel Farage's Mishap

By The Darn-Poor Rhymer

A hater of Farage,
Went to his garage,
And unscrewed four wheels, some say;
Intending his Volvo
To do a re-volv-o,
And that would be his last day.

I no more like UKIP
Than I enjoy puke dip
Commingled with turds and hay;
But I hope Froggie Plod
Gets the murderous sod,
And the magistrats put him away.

Monday, 21 December 2015

A Christmas Carol - music by the Tippling Philosopher

The Tippling Philosopher has been hard at work in the run-up to Christmas. He's composed the tune for a Christmas carol and entered it into BBC Radio 3's carol competition. As the Darn-Poor Rhymer was on holiday, poet Roger McGough stepped in to write the words.

Unfortunately, the Philosopher's entry didn't quite make it into the short list of 6 (though he thinks it's better than two of those that did).

Click here to listen to a MIDI file of the Philosopher's tune.

Click here to see the words and listen to the six shortlisted entries.

Merry Christmas to all.

Sunday, 22 November 2015

Pipsqueak Pope

(Neil's Note: The Rhymer is at it again).

There was a boy called Philip Pope,
Who had a voice that never broke.
Sometimes he’d warble, sometimes croak;
And so, we called him Pipsqueak Pope.

Pope Francis now, that climate dipstick,
He makes demands that “the world acts”
In plain denial of the facts.
And so, I call the pope the Pipsqueak.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

But What If It Isn't True?

(I found this one in the Rhymer's archives. It comes from June 2009 - pre-Climategate. But, with a certain gab-fest coming up in Paris, it's very relevant today.)


They tell us there’s global warming,
They tell us that we’re to blame.
They tell us to cut emissions,
They want us to give up wealth.
But, power is habit-forming,
And lies are a route to fame.
So, why should we trust Green visions?
They don’t care about our health.

We all have already suffered,
Bad green laws, and taxes too.
They’re taking away our birthright!
They don’t want us to be free.
Yet one thought comes through, unbuffered:
“But what if it isn’t true?”
Of course it ain’t. So, be forthright,
And speak truth and honesty.

Friday, 18 September 2015

A Conquest

The Rhymer once wrote a sonnet about a woman he loved. Ah, those were the days. But here it is.

I run my hands along her curves. I feel
A subtle sinuosity; complex, but real.
I put my arms around her waist, and hold
A warm, sweet, beautiful sixteen-year-old.
I hold her tight; I take a comfy rest,
As I enjoy the softness of her breast.
I hold her tighter; my nose finds afresh
The subtle perfume of young female flesh.
Next, my desire is for the perfect kiss;
Her lips are quite impossible to miss.
I lure her to my car’s back seat; that done,
We ride to a hotel, and have some fun.
But afterwards, I think: Why was I blind?
I didn’t bother to explore her mind.

Saturday, 22 August 2015

What shall we do with the climate-change fraudsters?

To be sung (in case anyone asks) to the tune of “What shall we do with the drunken sailor”.

What shall we do with the climate-change fraudsters,
What shall we do with the climate-change fraudsters,
What shall we do with the climate-change fraudsters,
When they’re brought to justice?

1. Stop them polluting our mental atmosphere,

2. Call them nasty names like “reality deniers,”

3. Make them pay back the green taxes they’ve stolen,

4. Stop them driving and stop them flying,

5. Stop them using energy, turn off their heating,

6. Make them wear muzzles to sequester their emissions,

7. Send them to Yamal and let them freeze.